Last night, I was talking to DH about yesterday’s Thursday Thirteen. He made the mistake of asking what I thought of Dr. John Gray’s Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. We started off into a discussion about the types of love, but got derailed on Gray’s “point system” and how men and women view contributions around the house and to the relationship itself. We decided that the actual assignment of literal numbers was probably a bit far fetched, but the idea that women treated all contributions and gestures as equal where a man didn’t was probably a sound insight. It was also interesting that Gray noted that women would continue to contribute even after they felt they were “ahead in the game” where men would “coast” until they felt they were even again.

Also, reading over the comments from yesterday, I wanted to describe the types of love a bit more and explain how they related to each other. I also wanted to note that these are what Gray considers to be the primary needs for each sex and that it doesn’t mean you’re unusual because you appreciate ones from the other list more. Both sexes need all twelve types to be truly happy according to Gray.

Gray pairs the needs as shown below – the women’s needs feeding the man’s and vice versa. This makes sense to me because when I looked over them again, I’m not sure they’re as distinct as Gray makes them out to be. Only the first pair strikes me as having sufficiently different meanings. It could just be a “Martian/Venusian” translation issue (BTW, did I mention what a stupid metaphor I think that is?)

Women’s Primary Needs	Men’s Primary Needs
Caring – A woman likes to have interest shown for her feelings and heart-felt concern for her well-being, not a perfunctory, “How was you day?” while flipping on the television.	Trust – Men feel they are trusted when a woman has faith that he does his best and wants the best for her.
Understanding – She needs to feel he’s listening without judging to feel heard and understood (closely tied to validation).	Acceptance – He needs to feel she loves him the way he is and that he’s not an improvement project – she can trust him to make his own improvements.
Respect – She needs to feel that her thoughts and feelings are taken into consideration and her rights, wishes and needs are acknowledged.	Appreciation – Women can fulfill this need by acknowledging that she has personally benefited from his efforts and behavior.
Devotion – Women thrive when they feel adored and special – a man can fulfill this need when he makes her needs and feelings more important than his other interests – like work, study and recreation.	Admiration – Men gain security from their woman’s happy amazement of their unique characteristics and talents.
Validation – Women need to feel they have the right to feel the way they do without judgment, argument or dismissal.	Approval – This is acknowledges the goodness in the man and recognizes the good reasons behind what he does.
Reassurance – Women don’t stay satisfied once their primary needs have been met once, they need to be continually shown they are loved.	Encouragement – A woman can encourage a man to be all he can be by continually expressing confidence, in his abilities and character.

The trick will be illustrating how these needs are and are not met and how that adds to the conflict or resolution between the main characters in a romance plot. One flaw that Gray pointed out was that men and women tend to give the type of love that they want to receive, but the other side doesn’t know how to accept it, or because it doesn’t address a primary need, they’re not as appreciative of it.

I have tried to be more aware of the differences, but it’s a bit too touchy-feeling for us to make a serious study of the book and try to follow to the letter. I think some of the concepts are beneficial in real life, but I suspect I’ll gain more benefit from this book in how I look at and sketch out the characters.